if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
