were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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