Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
