: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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