Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
