Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
