Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
