I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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