Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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