Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
