"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
