I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
my poor anus
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
