the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
