you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
