you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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