He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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