He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
