I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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