i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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