She went from zero to smokin in five shots
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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