Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
