We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
