Cold hands, warm shart.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
