Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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