You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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