YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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