I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
