In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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