How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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