I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
