This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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