One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
