Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
