i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
