That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
