I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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