If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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