so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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