I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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