Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
