So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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