I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
