I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
