the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
