im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
