every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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