dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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