Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
