yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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