nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
