1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
