I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
